Roll of the Dice: I’m a Rocker

Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of the Most Dated Song in the Springsteen Catalog award is…

I know these Roll of the Dice posts are where I break down, analyze and interpret Bruce’s songs, but there’s really no point in doing that for “I’m a Rocker.” Every once in a while Bruce gifts us with a song that’s just a pure lark, and this is one of them.

If you think about “I’m a Rocker’ at all, you’re overthinking it.

But then again, I’m an overthinker. So I can’t help but wonder: does anyone under the age of 40 actually grok all the pop culture references that Bruce strings together in this song?

I mean, we’re not talking about a couple of time-tested “Crush on You” namechecks like Rockefeller and Sheena. Take away the action movie and TV references from “I’m a Rocker” and the song simply dissolves into nothingness. Even musically, “I’m a Rocker” is basically just one killer riff.

This question consumes me every time I hear Bruce perform it, and he performed it a lot on the 2016 River Tour. And the median age of the audience on that second River Tour was a lot higher than it was on the original River Tour. If you weren’t around in 1966, odds are decent that at least some of “I’m a Rocker” flies right past you.

So as a public service for all the E Street Nation young ‘uns out there, here’s my Guide to “I”m a Rocker” for Millennials and Gen Z. Just remember: it’s all about ’66.

Let’s start with an easy one:

I got a 007 watch, it’s a one-and-only

That’s James Bond, of course. You know him. They still make movies about him, for people who still go to the movies. Back in the day, though, his watches were really cool. You could send text messages with them (long before that was a thing everybody could do), measure radiation, saw through metal, deflect bullets… you know, basic Apple Watch stuff.

Bond’s watches didn’t always do cool stuff, though. That started with Thunderball, which premiered just before Christmas in 1965. Bruce would have likely seen it in ’66.

Okay now let’s do a hard one:

It’s got an I Spy beeper that tells me when you’re lonely

I Spy was a popular television espionage series that ran for three seasons starting in 1965-66. As a teenager, Bruce would have most certainly watched its original airing, but for anyone under the age of 55, the only way you would have seen it is in syndicated reruns. (There was a time when you couldn’t watch any show ever made on demand.)

I Spy was notable for its integrated cast–the show centered around two partners played by Robert Culp and Bill Cosby (yes, that Bill Cosby).

What I Spy was not notable for, however, was gadgets. In this regard, it was the antithesis of James Bond, so I actually have no idea what possessed Bruce to reference an “I Spy beeper that tells me when you’re lonely.” It’s a really cool idea, just the wrong TV show.

So don’t kick yourself if you didn’t get that one. You’ll definitely get the next one:

I got a Batmobile so I can reach you in a fast shake

You can have your ’69 Chevy. I’ll take that ’66 Batmobile, please.

When your world’s in crisis of an impending heartbreak
Now don’t you call James Bond or Secret Agent Man

Secret Agent was yet another espionage television series that ran on American television during the mid-to-late 1960s. It was based on a British TV series called Danger Man, but the coolest part of the show was its theme song, “Secret Agent Man,” recorded by Johnny Rivers.

That song was released as a single in… 1966. Sensing a theme at work? “I’m a Rocker” draws heavily from the pop culture fixations of Bruce’s seventeen-year-old self.

‘Cause they can’t do it like I can
I’m a rocker, baby, I’m a rocker every day
I’m a rocker, baby, I’m a rocker

Fun fact (since there’s no pop reference to riff on in the chorus): “I’m a Rocker” was originally called “She’s a Rocker” all the way through the River studio sessions until it was finally time for the chorus overdubs, when Bruce switched the focus to the first person at the last minute. Take a listen to this almost-complete studio escapee and you’ll realize how late in the song’s evolution Bruce settled on the chorus.

Let’s continue, shall we?

If you’re hanging from a cliff or you’re tied to the tracks, girl
Columbo split and you can’t find Kojak

We’ve left the sixties behind and are now squarely in the 1970s. We’ve changed genres, too: both Columbo and Kojak are police detective series rather than espionage.

Both series ran throughout the 1970s, finishing their original run only a year or two before Bruce recorded “I’m a Rocker.”

And true love is broken and your tears are falling faster
You’re suffering from a pain in your heart or some other natural disaster

Time for another detour: If “I’m a Rocker” has another hallmark besides its cast of TV characters and utility belt of gadgets, it’s that the song is a complete metrical mess.

“You’re suffering from a pain in your heart or some other natural disaster” may be the worst offender, but it’s got a contender later in “you know I woulda taken better care of it, baby, than that.” And we won’t even talk about that awkward tracks/Kojak not-quite-rhyme.

Listen to “I’m a Rocker” in its original studio version, and you’ll hear Bruce stumble all over the lyrics and yet amazingly never once trip. It’s seriously impressive. I know the lyrics, and sometimes I still can’t remember how to make them fit the music.

Now I don’t care what kind of shape you’re in
If they put up a roadblock, I’ll parachute in
I’m a rocker, baby, I’m a rocker–I’m in love
I’m a rocker, baby, I’m a rocker–every day
I’m a rocker, baby, I’m a rocker–with you

So you fell for some jerk who was tall, dark and handsome
Now he kidnapped your heart and he’s holding it for ransom
Well like a mission impossible I’m gonna go and get it back
You know I would’a taken better care of it, baby, than that

Yeah, you know that one, too: Mission Impossible used to be a TV show before it was a movie. It first aired in…. you guessed it: 1966.

I know I said I’d skip the analysis this time out, but if I was going to sum up the song, this is where I’d do it. I’d probably characterize it as a shy 17-year-old boy’s fantasy. He’s got a crush on a girl who’s already with another guy, and he can’t work up the nerve to talk to her.

IRL, that is. In his mind, he’s as suave as James Bond, as heroic as Batman, as clever as Columbo, and daring enough to join the IMF.

Bruce may sing “I’m a Rocker” on stage, but the song’s narrator sings only in the mirror. He almost gives up the game in the final chorus:

Sometimes I get so hot girl, well, I can’t talk
But when I’m with you I cool off
(I’m a rocker, baby, I’m a rocker) and I walk
(I’m a rocker, baby, I’m a rocker) and I talk
(I’m a rocker, baby, I’m a rocker) every day…

If the narrator is singing in the mirror, he’s not alone. Who among us can resist rocking out in our bedroom, dancing like a maniac during the final minute of “I’m a Rocker?” (C’mon, don’t leave me hanging… it can’t be just me. Can it?)

There’s only one way to properly enjoy “I’m a Rocker.” You can do it alone in your room or surrounded by hundreds of fellow fans in the pit, but you’ve got to dance, and you’ve got to commit.

Oh, and you get bonus points for a white man’s overbite, and for backing vocals that lose all coherence in the song’s final minute in a frenzy bordering on intoxication. Show us how it’s done, boys:

And because he’s Bruce Springsteen, his commitment is still 100% thirty-six years after that original River tour clip above. Seriously, check out the 2016 clip below and compare it with the 1980 video above.

See what I mean? He’s still doing the exact same shtick at the age of…

Sixty-six.

I’m a Rocker
Recorded: April 10, 1980
Released: The River (1980)
First performed: October 18, 1980 (St. Louis, MO)
Last performed: September 11, 2016 (Pittsburgh, PA)

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