Bruce wrote “My Lover Man” for Patti Scialfa’s first album, but she decided not to use it.
No wait, that’s not right: “My Lover Man” was originally intended for the movie Philadelphia, which explains its homoerotic theme.
Hang on–that’s not right, either.
I’ve heard both of those theories floated several times, and more besides that.
I don’t believe any of them, but more importantly: why must fans search for an explanation as to why Bruce wrote this song? It’s not as if Bruce hasn’t written from the female perspective before: “Devil’s Arcade” is unmistakably sung in the voice of a woman, as is “Car Wash.”
I suspect it’s the outright romantic nature of the song that makes some fans uncomfortable with it, as well as the explicit title.
I think the more interesting question is: what made him write about the subject matter from any perspective. And if there’s controversy to be found, it’s in the debate over the wisdom of a character who shrugs off their partner’s infidelity and chalks it up to “hey, men are just like that.”
If Bruce gives us any clue at all as to his motivation for the song, it’s probably found not in the lyrics but rather the music. Take a listen:
Sound familiar? Musically, “My Lover Man” is darn close to “Brilliant Disguise.” They have similar percussion tracks, bass lines, and instrumentation, and I don’t think that’s accidental. Listen for yourself:
We don’t know exactly when Bruce wrote “My Lover Man,” but we do know that he recorded it in late 1990, three years after the release of Tunnel of Love, which featured “Brilliant Disguise” as a centerpiece of an album about troubled relationships. That was Bruce’s last album before recording “My Lover Man,” and it doesn’t seem a stretch to wonder if those songs were still top of mind for him.
Bruce had also been going to therapy (as he disclosed and discussed publicly mere weeks before recording “My Lover Man”) and had recently become a father, and over the next year-and-a-half he would re-marry and generate an album’s worth of new material that seemed lighter, more self-accepting and self-forgiving than anything he’d written previously.
“My Lover Man” may simply have been a songwriting exercise, but it may also have been one of Bruce’s early attempts to come to terms with transgression, betrayal, and forgiveness–whether it’s to be taken literally or metaphorically may be beside the point.
But the point itself warrants discussion.
You treated me hard and made my heart ache
I know you’re only human, and men they make mistakes
Your life with her turned to black
And now you want our love back
Well come into my arms and fall
My lover man
Like I wrote earlier, that’s a very blasé take on infidelity. Here’s a woman who has been abandoned by her man. (And yes, I think we can safely assume the point-of-view character is a woman rather than a gay man, since the “other woman” is explicitly stated to be another woman (Let’s not argue about whether the Lover Man is bisexual; that would be overly specific.)) He ran off with another woman, and when that didn’t work out so well, he asked to be taken back.
So what does our heroine do? She welcomes him back with open arms. Boys will be boys, after all.
Was it a gypsy’s curse or a hex sign
Or was it just that simple thing that led you from these arms of mine
Oh yes I’ve had the days
To grow used to your foolish ways
And what is it really after all
My lover man
Did he fall under a nefarious spell? Nah, it was just sex, “that simple thing.” But hey, she’s used to it, c’mon home.
I can see the change in your eyes
There’s no need to apologize
We stood at the wishing well
Our dreams like coins into the water fell
The water so cold and black
There was no going back
With this verse, we’re not just in similar musical territory as “Brilliant Disguise’ — we’re now mirroring its lyrics as well, standing at the wishing well instead of the altar. And when she looks in his eyes, oh yeah, that’s him, baby. If he’s in disguise, it must be pretty dang brilliant, because she buys it completely.
She apparently also hold herself at least partly accountable for their circumstances:
I don’t mean to cause you hurt or cause you pain
Life is short and love’s a dirty game
Now there’s no need for our game to end
Come close and we’ll begin
To find our beautiful selves again
My lover man
Now, I realize I may be coming across as judgmental. I’m really not. Any relationship is complicated, and no one outside of it has any basis to judge those within it. I’m surprised only by the lightness with which the protagonist treats the matter, not by her decision, actions, or outcome.
But if you’re tempted to judge anyway–whether the character or the songwriter–consider this:
This is a woman who harbors absolutely zero doubt about what she’s sure of.
And for a songwriter just emerging from a period of intense doubt, that has to be the very definition of a state of grace.
And who wouldn’t envy that?
My Lover Man
Recorded: December 4, 1990
Released: Tracks (1998)
Never performed
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I don’t understand why you find the idea of the “Lover Man” in the song being bisexual “overly specific”. Just writing off the potential bisexuality of anyone seems … overly dismissive, really.
I agree, and I would never do that. My point was that Bruce had at times written from a heterosexual female perspective, but not from a bisexual perspective so that was the more likely read, especially because the character in question is not the point-of-view character and an unlikely choice for his first foray.
I think there is a darkness in the bridge at the wishing well, the water so cold and black, there was no going back. I’m not sure she completely forgives him and wants to go back to what they had before. It’s almost as if she’s hypnotizing him, she was hurt and maybe she wants to hurt him a little too, in spite of what she says. Saying my lover man over and over, luring him with the words. If Bruce was taking a woman’s point of view, he might have considered these complicated impulses.